Teachings on Marriage

Adultery in Marriage - Should Forgiveness or Divorce be Sought?

by Dann McCreary

Discerning The Motivation Which May Underly Counsel

Proverbs 11:14 "Where there is no guidance, the people fall, But in the abundance of counselors there is deliverance".

In my supreme confidence in the Proverb quoted above, I have set out to draw counsel from scripture on this matter of the consequences of infidelity in a marriage.

Let me begin by saying that I perceive the condemnation of adultery as completely clear and unequivocal throughout all of scripture. I have no patience or sympathy for the act of adultery. It is completely without redemptive merit, repulsive and repugnant to all Christian decency, inexcusible in anyone who may have even casually read God's commentary.

Adultery is a work of the flesh, denounced in the strongest terms at every point. It is especially reprehensible when engaged in by one who has claimed the name of "Christian". "You who say that one should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery?... For "THE NAME OF GOD IS BLASPHEMED AMONG THE GENTILES BECAUSE OF YOU," just as it is written." Romans 2:22-24. However, even the conscience of an unbeliever must yet bear testimony to the sin of such an act. (Romans 2:15).

While strongly condemning adultery, I am today greatly concerned as well with the counsel being given in the name of God and the church to those who have been injured by this work of the flesh. The impartiality of any counsellor who has been divorced must be considered suspect because of our human predilection toward self-justification. Counselors who have themselves been divorced or divorced and remarried should therefore disqualify themselves from recommending the same course of action.

By the same token, the sincere counsellee should discount any counsel receieved which may recommend or allow otherwise questionable actions. Is this counsellor suggesting or allowing divorce because it is good and biblical, or could their own divorce be a contributing influence? Likewise the counselee should beware seeking counselors who will say one what one wishes to hear. We read in II Timothy 4:3, "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears." Defending a status-quo must also be considered suspect.

In the pain of betrayal and the shock of injury, the wounded party in such a matter may be all too quick to listen to one who will promise them "liberty". I encourage you to proceed cautiously and to carefully weigh the counsel you may receive against scripture. Acts 17:11.

Especially to those who counsel as elders in a congregation; I urge you to counsel fully in the spirit of II Cor. 10:8, as following the Apostolic teaching of one who spoke of "our authority, which the Lord gave for building you up and not for destroying you..."

A Caution Against Haste

There should be no hastening toward a conclusion to this matter. The sun will still rise tomorrow though a final decision be deferred. If the alternatives are the danger of error through rapid action on the one hand or temporarily delaying one (questionable) "right" on the other, it would be far better to err on the side of patience and caution.

There is a clear and present danger in haste! To say today that Matthew 5 and 19 unequivocally grant grounds for divorce may be presumptious. To believe that true forgiveness is compatible with planning divorce is a delusion. Please take counsel from by Proverbs 18:17, I Corinthians 14:29-32, Acts 17:11, and Proverbs 11:14.

I pray you, do not decide this matter swiftly! Consider the likely consequences of a wrong decision:

For the marriage partners involved, there is the rending of a one-flesh relationship, the destruction of hope and promise, the prospect of life in a state for which God declares hatred. There is the spectre of perpetual remorse and dislocation, the destruction of capital, and the confession to the community that Christianity differs not at all from the common way of life.

For the children, there is a long-term legacy of remorse and sorrow. Will my marriage meet the same end as Mom and Dad? What will we tell the grandchildren? Why do Grandpa and Grandma visit us separately, if at all?

I myself am a son of divorce. Do not think for a moment that divorce doesn't matter after the children are grown. At the age of 44, I testify that it has severe and on-going consequences to children and grandchildren, consequences which only the grace of God can at all alleviate.

For the congregation; precedents are hard to change, perhaps as hard as the situation described in Matthew 19:22-24. Each couple in the church who walk this path beat it smoother, straighter, and broader for the next. But precedents are not impossible to change! May God grant grace.

For the sake of Christ's kingdom and for everyone who will feel the impact of a divorce; please provide time for and seek after forgiveness and reconciliation. Ask our Lord for a genuine work of grace to occur in the hearts of all involved.